Today marks my 40th year around the sun. I didn’t expect this to do a number on me, but it has. It really, really has. I feel like I’ve crossed into a new era of myself, but not for the better. Just for the older and unaccomplished.
I think back to high school and I had so many plans and dreams about how I was going to change the world. Like many high school plans, they changed. Dreams changed, circumstances changed, I changed. And I’ve really been thinking about if any of it was for the better or if it was just moving along.
The closer today got, the more I couldn’t help but think about all the things I haven’t done, all the goals I never pursued, and all the achievements I never had. This looming idea that I was going to be 40 and had nothing to show for my life started to take over my thoughts whenever they wandered. I was to be left with a wasted life that was essentially over because of my age. Doors would be closed to me. It would be too late to make any kind of change. I would never be able to contend with anyone who still had that black hole of existence far ahead of them. It’s kept me up and it given me nightmares when I finally close my eyes. This ticking clock that means I’m out of changes, chances, and opportunities, that tells me I’m stuck where I am and this is all life will be for the short rest of it, will be ringing soon. I put myself into a really unhealthy place mentally and was hiding it constantly whenever I interacted with anyone.
This week, I finally broke down and talked to James about what’s been going on. He’s seen me through highs and lows over the past six years and he knows me better than anyone. He outright told me that it was ridiculous to think my life was over at 40. Especially when people live to be 100. He wasn’t trying to trivialize anything; he just knows when I need to hear something bluntly. He also reminded me of all I do as a friend and a teacher and how I’m the first one to tell anyone else that little things matter and making a difference in someone’s day to day is every bit as important as being known worldwide, if not more so.
He’s not wrong. I’ve said many things to him and others that I (quite wrongly) don’t apply to myself. I have this impossible bar that is for me and me alone. It’s not something I often admit to and it’s something I know I shouldn’t have. To some point it’s motivating for me. I’m always reaching to do more, to be better, to accomplish goals. That mentality is why I’ve come as far as I have in my life and why I’m such a good teacher (in my opinion, anyway). On the other side, I know that an impossible level of perfection in any area has been the cause of my lowest moments and feelings of total inadequacy in multiple and sometimes all areas of my life. Feeling like I always need to be productive ends up making me exhausted and feeling awful about being so and not accomplishing something.
It’s one of the reasons I’ll search for positive quotes, memes, and articles sometimes. It was one of those random searches that led me to save this to my Pinterest board at some point:
While I’ve not read the book it’s from (and by all accounts, outdated and dead), this quote still resonates with me. I’ve always waited until I felt I was ready for a change to make it. I didn’t make a move until I thought I was the best I could be in an area and adequate enough to make the jump. I’ve almost never had enough faith in myself to think I could pick it up or do it anyway or that maybe the established way wasn’t the best…despite preaching those exact things to others. It reminded me of a conversation with an old manager I had at a call center. He’d said he’d taken plenty of jobs he didn’t think he was ready for and thrived. The mere thought terrified my 27 year old self. I distinctly remember telling him there was no way I could do that.
Looking back now, I wonder if he was trying to tell me something. It might have been nothing more than conversation and not him trying to impart a life lesson. If he was, I completely missed that one. I wouldn’t take a real leap until years later when I moved to South Korea to try out teaching English.
Now, I’m finally at a stage where I can see everything I should have done and all the choices I should have made. I can’t go backwards and change it, but I can start taking that leap now. I can fully embrace new priorities and goals and take plunges without thinking I need decades of experience in a niche field to be good at it. I have friends who have been long convinced I’m good at everything, something I’ve always argued. But when I sit and think about it objectively, really objectively, I do insist on mastering something I try. If I decide to do something, I do it–well. Mediocrity has never been enough for me and I am able to make connections others can in a wide variety of things. There are also a wide range of things I could stand to be far better at and learn from others.
I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my now 40 years and I’m sure I’ll make many more. I’ve learned from most of them and repeated more than I care to admit. But, that’s life. Living, learning, changing, growing. And I think I’m finally accepting that just because we get constant messages about being too old or not old enough, the sheer fact of your age doesn’t qualify or disqualify you from being able to do anything you decide to go after. Some things may be more difficult, but there aren’t many that are unattainable.
I’m starting to get as excited about starting a new decade as I was when I hit 30.
Resources
Shift [Image]. (2016, October 20). https://www.yourtango.com/2016296769/inspirational-sheryl-sandberg-quotes-for-strong-bossy-women
